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DECONSTRUCTION
Now (as always),
approaching the inevitable,
lonely and alone
(and this part can ultimately
be done only alone),
the façade is threatened.
Here in the silent aloneness,
no others to reflect my being,
I look, and cannot overlook
the outer sheath of woven constructs
I call "myself."
Concepts that constrict the Heart.
I look deeply
into the volition,
the hard-wired urge to move
into a better moment
(one constructed from twisted memory).
I look deeply
into the judgment,
the jealousy,
the recurrent need to be seen,
and admired, and affirmed,
for self and Self.
Looking
into the source
of the desire for accolade;
and then,
another...
Looking deep, and deeper still,
into the thin-stretched outer sheath
of limited self-representations
(perpetuated by incessant ego activity),
constriction of the Heart.
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I see it all:
The child born
but not recognized
by those who never knew themselves.
Known only to herself as the one she had to be.
Vulnerable identity
repeatedly injured;
energy exhausted in its defense.
Betrayal upon betrayal.
Now, free flowing energy,
relaxation of the physical,
understanding and honoring
of the psychic.
There is growing ease in the Nothingness
born of wisdom
(which is the abeyance of the aimless motion of ego).
The method is engaged:
Energy focused in active attention;
Passive awareness of phenomena,
and of its source.
The sheath's construction cannot hold.
The old weak wound is first to rip.
The tattered outside falls away,
inside revealed.
There is fear in the exposure:
(No guiding constructs here in the dark.)
Inside, I am
nothing.
But, suddenly
from the nothingness
once confined by "me,"
the great expanding space.
ineffable mystery
in Black Velvet Emptiness.
And on the other side
(of that which has no sides),
a clear pervading energy-presence.
In the sweet freedom
from the identification
(which is the freedom of the Buddha),
I find myself and other
revealed as one:
boundless empty space
pervaded by ecstatic joy.
Yum-la
New Year's Day 1998
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